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 I'm still writing something...

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NaomiS

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Age : 28
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PostSubject: I'm still writing something...   Fri Oct 16, 2009 5:48 pm

ok, so the last topic got a bit...clogged up with random stuff. Sorry about that

Anyway - I'm on draft two, and I've just revamped Alex's first monologue. Any opinon welcome.

Original:
ALEX
Well...is there? (looks around) So what happens now...do I get a sign? A big flash of lighting...a sudden realisation? (sighs) Or just silence...this silence. (Beat) So I guess I do most of the talking. (waits) Yep...seems that way. This is that bit isn't it...that bit in the films where everything's gone wrong...so the main character finds a church and sits there...and ponders the possibilities of God. Except there's usually a vicar around somewhere. Well I'm taking the fast route. Direct line. Or whatever. Anyway. Here I am. Now what? (Phone rings, ALEX looks at the screen)Ah...need to answer this...we'll have to do this later. (accepts the call, starts to walk out) Hello..yeah ok I'm just on my way, what's happened?



Redraft:
ALEX
Well...is there? (looks around) So what happens now...do I get a sign? A big flash of lighting...a sudden realisation? (sighs) Or just silence...this silence. (Beat)Fay didn't get as far as actually telling me what would happen. So I guess I do most of the talking. (waits) Yep...seems that way. This is that bit isn't it...that bit in the films where everything's wrong. There's no hope, no escape...So what does our hero do? Finds a church and sits there...talking to a God they don't even believe in. Is that what you're for? When everything goes wrong...a get out plan? A cosy retreat? What about the real world? It doesn't disappear. And why do they always end up in one of those really traditional Anglican churches talking to a vicar? Well I'm taking the fast route. Direct line. Or whatever. Anyway. Here I am. Now what? (Phone rings, ALEX looks at the screen)Ah...need to answer this...we'll have to do this later. (accepts the call, starts to walk out) Hello..yeah hi sorry got distracted...I'm on my way now


Thanks

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Danw

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PostSubject: I'm still writing something...   Fri Oct 16, 2009 6:08 pm

Well the second one seems to add more to the overall story for a start and it definitely seems more emotional. I think that it's more powerful as well.

One small point (very small!)- do you think that you should skip the word "anglican"? The line would still work and would maybe sound less...clunky (?!)

But yeah, a nice improvement!
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NaomiS

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PostSubject: Re: I'm still writing something...   Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:01 pm

OK so I have no good reason to do this except for the fact it's given me something to do.
Enter SAM followed by FAY

FAY
Sam...wait! What’s happened?

SAM
Jamie!! Jamie – I know you came in here! Where are you hiding?!

FAY
Sam, she’s not here – what’s this about?

SAM
It doesn’t matter

FAY
Yes it does. I thought we were (hesitates)...together.

SAM
(moves towards Fay) We are. What makes you think...

FAY
Then you’ve got to talk to me. If it’s important enough for you to come running in here like a maniac shouting after someone you scarcely know, then it’s important to me too

SAM
It’s not...how it seems...Fay, we’re not...

FAY
I don’t doubt that Sam. I trust you. Now, do you trust me enough to tell me what’s going on, or shall I just walk out right now?

SAM
No! I mean...yes I trust you...just don’t...


Any thoughts?
Anyone have any interpretations of what it could theologically mean? (There's no right or wrong answer btw, might just give me something to think about if I move onto do a draft three...)

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Danw

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PostSubject: I'm still writing something...   Tue Oct 20, 2009 8:42 pm

Another nice touch which adds humanity and realism to the characters. I'm not sure what it means theologically- I would say maybe not to write the piece and then sort out the theology but maybe rather write it in as you go?
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NaomiS

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PostSubject: Re: I'm still writing something...   Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:58 pm

lol I only asked out of interest really, if it doesn't say anything theologically that's fine Smile

I was just wondering because I often miss things and sometimes suggest things I don't mean to suggest - whether that be good or bad!

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Danw

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PostSubject: I'm still writing something...   Wed Oct 21, 2009 7:16 pm

lol oh I see! Well I couldn't see anything so you're either fine, or made a bad job of it! (by your last comment!) Very Happy
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